9/14/2023 0 Comments Pencil mustache beard![]() ![]() The Devil tells people you're not here looking for trouble, Trouble is here looking for you. The sinister upward turn at the tips, the sharp, pointed goatee: The Devil is the very emblem of evil. Sure, everybody recognizes what you're doing - maybe they're even a little amused by it - but at the end of the day, all of them are well aware that they could and probably will kick your ass just to pass the time until the next train arrives. This is your crude imitation of manhood it's like a Subway mime doing the trademark John Wayne swagger for spare change. You saw real men on TV, and you wanted to look like them. If somebody's wearing the Cowboy, it's because their body just didn't have enough room for all the huevos they're rocking, so it sprouted new ones. It hangs penduously from the face like an extra ballsack, and you know what? That's pretty much what it is. And everybody can tell at a glance that the kid still resents you, no matter how many times you insist you're not trying to take anybody's place, Randyīasically just an ungroomed Chevron, the Cowboy is a monster of a moustache. You are, more than likely, somebody's step-dad. You look like less of a prideless sex-fiend, and more like somebody shaved most of a perverted hedgehog. The American Standard is often used as part of a required work uniform, as seen on Highway Patrolman, porn stars, and managers of failing Blockbusters. The American Standard is a moustache, sure, but it doesn't want to make a thing out of it. The default moustache for the United States of America: It's not too thick, not too thin, centrally located and moderately groomed. You tell girls you're heavily into vintage woodworking, when you really mean you bought your coffee table at Goodwill. You have a half-finished arm sleeve tattoo based on the Tarot you will never complete it. Your face is a lightly used mid-90s minivan, and yet you tinted the windows and slapped flames all over it and insist on bringing it to the track every weekend. You're a blank slate, a cipher, a non-entity. You're trying to hide as much face as possible behind your baroque hair illusions, and everybody knows why: You're not even ugly, you're just nothing special. No, you killed a man with a folded-in-half pudding-cup lid and shower-raped the ![]() And not pussy time, either: You didn't get a GED or any of that crap in the joint. Possibly to a dog.Ī U-shaped track of hair, the Horseshoe says a million different things in a million different languages, and all of them are "I'll light this fucking place on fire." The horseshoe is the staple of convicts, bikers, and general badasses with poor impulse control across the globe. Also, we know you think you're rocking those boy-shorts, but it just looks like you somehow lost most of your pants on your way to the field. In reality, you're just drunk and "remanded" into police custody. Bullshit to the Chevron-wielder is like lactose to an Asian it simply will not be tolerated.įat, old, and swollen with beer-cheese soup, you insist you're "telling it like it is" at social gatherings, and are "renowned" for your brevity. Thick, straightforward, matter-of-fact, the Chevron is a tapered face-wedge that spits in your fancy wine, knocks over your Tapas and makes sweet love to your wife while you cry into your Vichyssoise (missionary position only, Frenchy).Ī traditional symbol of sex and confidence, the Chevron-wearer is lean, serious, and absolutely incapable of putting up with bullshit. ![]() If that's the case, please consult this comprehensive guide to the modern moustache so you will be fully cognizant of the precise kind of dick you look like. But real men are not dissuaded from anything, no matter how reasonable the argument, so you're probably still considering making the moustache leap - not in spite of, but in fact because it is currently going down in flames. Here's something else to look at, friend." But these days it's just telling the world "there's something wrong with my personality, look at me." If you're considering a moustache: Don't. A moustache is supposed to be a courtesy it's there to tell the world "there's something wrong with my face. So of course, it's time for the insufferable hipsters to ironically bring it back. The moustache is a style that has sadly been relegated to antiquity: It is a quaint, often goofy relic that's looked upon with derision in the modern world, when it is looked upon at all. ![]()
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